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I played The Sims back in 2002 & 2003, when I lived with four other dudes over on Ashland St. My roommate, Reuben, had a swank ass computer that he would frequently download huge games and their expansion packs onto. The rest of us, used that communal computer and played the game along with him. So, it was his whim that purchased The Sims, but we all played it.
Rather than create different games for ourselves, we all played on the same shared game and kept updating things. We all seemed to have our own niche in the game. My roommate, Ron, would surf the net for customized furniture and skins. (Like the R2D2 Mini-fridge and skins of Batman and Spiderman.) Corey was big into building houses and decorating them. He discovered how to "cheat" and give yourself unlimited funds for building anything that we wanted. And I would help decorate the buildings and look after the characters needs.
It was Ron's idea to build an exact duplicate of our house in the game. It was Corey's idea to build duplicates of ourselves and try to customize them to our personality. And it was Reubens idea to maintain them, getting jobs that matched our personalities. (He was a Sports Instructor. I was a Bank Thief.)
One night, late at night, when I was playing the game alone, in an empty house, I decided to try an experiment. I'd long since learned that a dedicated player could force a romance on a these tiny pixelated characters. Conversation would lead to a hug and then to backrubs and then to kisses, which lead to making out and then a romp in the heart-shaped hottub and then to a bed romp and marriage and immediately thereafter, a child.
I wondered, could similar results be achieved between two characters of the same gender?
Does The Sims world allow for gay relationships?
I had to find out.
I picked SIMS Ron and SIMS Corey as my guinea pigs for the experiment. (SIMS Reuben was at work and there's no way I was going to "gay up", little SIMS Me.) SIMS Ron was busy playing on the computer and SIMS Corey had just finished eating his meal. I commanded him to go "chat" with SIMS Ron. At first, SIMS Ron was reluctant, he wanted to play his computer, after all. But with a little provoking, he forgot his hesitation and they were soon busy having a little chat about movie reels and airplanes. Turns out, they had a lot in common.
That was as far as I got with the experiment in that first week. Each time I would play after that, I would work on the "secret project" again. I'd segregate those two from the other members of the SIMS house and have them spend time talking, dancing at the jukebox and playing chess with on another. Their "happiness" meters would skyrocket anytime they were around each other. A crush was developing.
Within a week, "hug" was an offer in their list of possible social interractions. So, they would usually end each "visit" with a nice hug together.
A week or so later, they went out on a SIMS date together, into town. They ate dinner at a fancy retaurant together and fed Coy fishes in the park and even shopped for pajamas for each other. Eventually, they settled for matching, Hugh Hefner-style red silk robes. I imagine the silk must've felt sheer and sensual on their little SIMS bodies.
At one point, Reuben came home and almost caught me working on my experiment. He laughed to see SIMS Ron and SIMS Corey sitting in the backyard, blowing bubbles together in the bubble houka. I played it off as social time. Reuben asked what SIMS Him was doing and was very happy to show him that he was in the tv room, watching cartoons and laughing his fool head off. My project went undetected.
The rest of that summer, I continued to explore SIMS Corey and SIMS Rons tender feelings for one another. They often went hot tubbing together. Lazy afternoon swims in the pool area. They loved the hot pink speedos I bought for them. I installed a porch swing out back for them and they would sit together, watching the sun set and waiting for the dancing bear to come and dig through their garbage. They'd run inside, screaming in fear and hug each other comically, like Shaggy and Scooby did.
The Actual Corey and Actual Ron noticed the subtle changes to their characters too. The pajamas were immediately noticed and I took credit for that. I said that I was buying them for everyone. So we could all "look like Hef". And indeed, SIMS Reuben and SIMS Me got similar pairs, just not in the sensuous red of the lovers matching ensembles.
They also noted that their characters had become "Best Friends" in the game and were seemingly inseparable from each other. If one of their characters made a meal, the other one would come eat with them. And they spent many happy hours, watching tv together. They were also individually drawn to the porch swing for some reason, but the players would rarely make use of it. There was some joking around when the "smiley face" next to each others icon changed to a "heart", indicating the shift from friendship to love. Nobody suspected that someone else was driving their characters towards a date with gay destiny.
As their relationship progressed, new interraction options would pop up between them. Instead of "Make a puppet show" or "Juggle", they could "look longingly at [SIMS Corey]", "Massage", "Hold Hands" and "Long Hug." It was a big day, when "Kiss" came up as an option between them. The first advance was clumsy and ill-received.
The boys had just finished painting a picture and playing their grand pianos, when SIMS Corey had the idea to kiss SIMS Ron. He put down his paintbrush and went over to SIMS Ron and waited for him to finish his rousing classical music piece on the piano. SIMS Ron stopped playing and stood up to see what SIMS Corey wanted. SIMS Corey reached forward with arms and mouth, puckered. SIMS Ron shook his head "no" and verbally said "uh uh" and even slapped poor SIMS Corey. As a final sign of his contempt, he went back to the piano playing. SIMS Corey used the bathroom and ordered a pizza, drowning his sorrow as so many of us have done before. With food.
The next kiss, though, was magical. The boys had finished their dinner together. SIMS Corey had loosened SIMS Ron up with the gifts of flowers and chocolates. (I had a ring ready, in case the time was right.) They had cocktails from the bar together and slow danced by the jukebox. At one point SIMS Me came home and passed right by the happy couple, unaware of the budding romance. I'd had a hard day cracking safes and breaking into people's homes.
The song ended and the boys parted ways, I clicked on them to make them dance again and saw that SIMS Ron now offered "Long Kiss" as an option. I selected it and watched as the cyber versions of two of my closest friends entertwined and began a long, slow deep french kiss. I laughed outloud, so hard that I nearly knocked my soft drink all over the computer. I selected "Long Kiss" three more times and then stood up to laugh and dance about, as they continued their explorations online. The murmurs of passion came through the speakers audibly and I had to control myself from yelling, I was so happy! In my revelry, I was careful NOT to wake my roommates, I didn't want them to know what shenanigans I'd pulled in game.
Later that night, after skipping work together and making out frequently in the hot tub, SIMS Corey proposed marriage to SIMS Ron. SIMS Ron accepted and a small ceremony was had in our living room. A SIMS minister arrived and so did their SIMS roommates. Also in attendance at the wedding: Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Batman (with no cape), Superman (again, no cape), A Naked version of George W. Bush, A viking, the cheerleading squad that lived next door, Jay and Silent Bob and two ninjas that no one remembered adding to the game. Also our Robot Manservant was there, serving punch and cleaning up empty plates. A tasteful jumped out of a cake. SIMS Me played guitar and everyone danced the night away. You couldn't ask for a happier ceremony.
After the party, the happy couple went upstairs to SIMS Ron's bedroom to consumate the marriage. I commanded them to "Make Love" over and over again. So many times. I walked away, mid coitus, to prepare some Hot Pockets in the kitchen. When I came back, SIMS Corey was bringing SIMS Ron a towel from the bathroom. They were both nude, but their tiny genitals were blurred out.
A happy union was achieved.
After I got them married and fucking, I honestly lost interest in the project. That was the goal... to get them together. I didn't have the energy or interest to maintain such a taxing relationship. In many ways, their marriage couldn't have lasted, they were discovered by their real life counterparts, the next week.
It was Ron who discovered what was going on. He sat down to play the game and was shocked and surprised to find the SIMS version of himself climbing into bed and kissing SIMS Corey. Any effort to separate the two and have them sleep in their separate beds frustrated both SIMS characters. Lots of stamping feet and yelling and cussing up at us, from the screen. The two characters thought about each other, constantly. And given the chance would hug and kiss and go to bed with one another.
I can still remember hearing Ron yell, through the house, "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THE SIMS VERSIONS OF US?!? ARE ME AND COREY MARRIED?!?" Corey came running through the house to see what was happening.
I explained to them what had happened and told them the whole story. Luckily, I still had the screenshots I'd taken during their brief love affair. They laughed, but were also outraged. The pictures of their actual lovemaking weren't so damning, all you could see was rumpled blankets. But the pictures of them kissing frequently were too much to bear. As were the backrubs.
While Corey punched me and held me down, in real life, Ron made SIMS Me quit my sexy job as a Notorious Crime Boss and made me parade around in a bra and panties. He holed SIMS Ron and SIMS Corey up into rooms of their house that had no windows or doors and set them on fire. Both of them died horrible, agonizing, panicked deaths in a matter of seconds. The fire spread and the entire house was consumed. SIMS Me died on the toilet, panties around my ankles. Only SIMS Reuben, who was busy at work, playing at Wimbledon, survived the conflagration. To ensure the damage was done, Ron saved the games progress and killed 2/3rds of our entire households. A swift and terrible retribution against his SIMS characters brief dalliance with homosexuality.
If I were a deeper person, I would draw parallels here to the real world.
So, we all built separate neighborhoods, after that. Reuben kept the original neighborhood. He hastily built a large home for the little SIMS version of himself. Occasionally, in his swank new mansion, you'd see ghost versions of SIMS Ron, SIMS Corey and SIMS Me appear. My large, white bra was visible, even in the afterlife.
I quit playing The Sims shortly after the "Valentines Gay Massacre", which actually happened the late summer. I moved on to Rollercoaster Tycoon, where a bold explorer and innovator could design award winning rollercoasters, without offending someone else's deeply seated homophobia.
Still, it was a crazy summer, playing matchmaker (and in some cases, MatchEnforcer) for my little cyber friends. We learned a lot, that summer...
COB out...
1 comment:
That is an awesome and hilarious story. holy crap.
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